


Fears Must Be Faced For Growth To Take Place

by CariadRose



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Boss/Employee Relationship, CEO Ben Solo, F/M, No Smut, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Rey Needs A Hug, Soft Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:01:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27140797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CariadRose/pseuds/CariadRose
Summary: I wrote this one shot for Sof.“She couldn’t (shouldn’t?) fantasise about her boss, even if he did make her heart explode every time he made eye contact.Bosses were off limits, it was a rule right? You don’t date your friends exes, you don’t date your siblings friends and you definitely don’t date your boss. No matter how much you want to.”Based off the prompt ‘I’m yours, in every way you’ll have me’
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 10
Kudos: 92





	Fears Must Be Faced For Growth To Take Place

Skywalker-Organa Industries wasn’t where Rey had pictured herself five years ago. 

Back then shed been a blearily eyed, happy go lucky college student. Now? Well, she finally understood what they meant about college being the best days of your life. 

College came with a lot of set backs. Late nights, loud halls and early lectures in particular sprung to mind. But you know what it didn’t have? Overdue credit cards, empty fridges or landlords knocking down your door. The scholarship had helped massively during those days, but it didn’t do much once she’d pocketed her degree. 

She quickly realised however, that working at SOI (Skywalker-Organa Industries was quite the mouthful, the HR rep confessed), wasn’t as bad as she’d initially feared. It paid well and within her first year she’d managed not only to pay off most of her credit card, but also secure a nice enough place downtown to call home (with Rose of course).

Rey liked to think that Rose was her good karma from another life. There was no other explanation that warranted someone like her in Rey’s life. She was always a half full kind of gal where Rey was definitely the half empty kind. “Rose, the glass started off full, now it’s emptying. Therefore it’s half empty,” Rey had insisted when her pessimistic attitude had once again become the topic of conversation.  
“No, Rey. The glass started off empty and we filled it up, emptied some and it’s still half full!” She’d protested.  
“I feel like we’re starting at different points in this glass of water’s lifecycle. Next you’ll be telling me the chicken came before the egg.” Rey huffed, already frustrated with the conversation. Rose had rolled her eyes with a sigh before kissing her forehead and wandering off. Probably helping kittens cross the road or earning a Nobel peace prize, it really wouldn’t be that much of a surprise.

There was one gleaming benefit of working for SOI (outside of the pay and insurance), Mr Benjamin Organa-Solo. He wasn’t much of a conversationalist, always finding an excuse to get out of speaking with her, but he made up for it on the rare occasions she had caught him after his morning run, glistening with sweat and wearing his basketball shorts that hugged him in all the right places. God, those biceps, what she’d do to wrap her hand around one of those, or attempt to wrap her hand around one of those. They were fucking huge. 

She bit her lip in frustration. She really needed to stop letting those thoughts in. She couldn’t (shouldn’t?) fantasise about her boss, even if he did make her heart explode every time he made eye contact.

Bosses were off limits, it was a rule right? You don’t date your friends exes, you don’t date your siblings friends and you definitely don’t date your boss. No matter how much you want to. 

Rey tapped her foot impatiently as she listened to her chai latte brew behind the counter of the café. There wasn’t many things she missed about England, but the cafés made the short list. Back home (she snorted internally at the idea of applying the word home to any part of her childhood), they were just so much homier. 

More than anything, she missed the small café adjoined to the library where she spent most of her time growing up. She missed the way she could order tea without the stereotypical comments that always followed and she missed Maz, the owner of The Book Nook itself. 

The small woman was one of the few people who knew Rey’s life. Knew where she had come from and where she went. Maybe, she mused, Maz knew just as much about Rey’s life as she herself did.

For anyone else, that may be sad. Not Rey though, the thought brought her an odd feeling of comfort. 

“Chai Latte and a coffee, black, for Johnson,” the barista called into the crowd of morning commuters. Rey abandoned her thoughts and fought her way through the crowd to the collection station. She took the cup holder with a polite smile and beelined it to the exit, craving the crisp fresh air. 

Friday mornings had started like this for pretty much as long as she had worked for SOI. Through the blazing summer and wind torn winter, Rey found herself walking the familiar route from her apartment to the coffee club and backwards on herself to SOI. 

Originally, she’d stopped off at a closer, much more affordable, café that was actually on her route to work. But one day, Ben returned from taking his lunch break (a rarity in itself) with a large coffee displaying the obnoxious logo of the First Order Coffee Club. He explained sheepishly that it was his favourite but he rarely had time to make the trip. “I barely have time to go to the communal coffee pot in the break room, let alone walk four blocks to get my favourite brand.” He’d sighed when Rey questioned him further. 

That Friday, Rey woke up 10 minutes earlier and walked the extra distance. 

She should have known she was fucked from that day. 

Just as Rey was approaching the office entrance, Kaydel appeared on the other side of the glass door, opening it for her with a wave. “Morning Rey, Happy Friday!” The blonde smiled, glancing down at the cupholder in Rey’s hand with a knowing look.  
“Morning, Kay,” Rey replied as she reached into her tote bag to retrieve her land yard, automatically gravitating towards the elevator. “Are we still on for tonight?”  
“Of course, girl.” Kay confirmed, “I’ll be counting down the minutes until happy hour. It’s been too long since we’ve all been out together” she added, coaxing a small laugh out of Rey.  
“We went out last month. I think you’re just secretly a party animal” Rey teased, amusement lacing her features. Kaydel nudged her jokingly in response. 

The ding of the elevator brought their conversation to a natural end and the bubbly blonde returned to her welcome desk with another wave. Rey stepped into the well lit elevator, pushed her floor number and tried to mentally prepare herself for the day ahead.

Rey’s desk stood out in the mahogany office. Where the area surrounding her gave off the aura of superiority and seriousness, her desk was warm and full of life. She had been embarrassed at first, worrying that she had soiled the SOI image for any guests or visitors that may visit the floor. Admittedly, those were far and few between on even the busiest of days.

Thankfully, Leia put that fear to rest on her first visit to the office. ”I think some cheerfulness is needed around here, what with my son and his moody demeanour haunting the floor,” the older woman had laughed. It had taken Rey 25 minutes before she pieced together that she had just spoken to the Leia Organa. 

As Rey got closer to her desk, Ben’s voice became more and more prominent. She winced at his tone, silently preying for whoever was on the other end of the receiver. She knew better than to eavesdrop but, as always, curiosity got the best of her. After a few moments Rey gave up. While she couldn’t make out the full conversation, she understood it wasn’t a pleasant one. 

Uneasiness flowed through her as she hovered by Ben’s office door, one hand raised to knock, the other gripping his coffee cup for dear life. Just as a particularly colourful string of words erupted from Ben’s mouth and Rey had decided to discard the coffee all together, the office door flew open. 

Silence. 

“Oh, um, sorry.” she stuttered after a moment, rooted to the spot, heat flushing to her face. 

Solo looked good, she realised. Tousled hair, a five o’clock shadow and flushed cheeks filled her view (although she assumed his colour was due to anger as apposed to embarrassment). 

As her eyes wandered down she couldn’t help but notice he was still wearing yesterday’s clothes. Long gone were the tie and jacket he donned previously, and the shirt was half untucked with the top few buttons undone, but it was undoubtedly the same suit. 

She tried, unsuccessfully, not to concentrate on the open buttons revealing a particularly enticing tuft of hair on his chest. 

His expression immediately faltered. His previously frowned eyebrows and pursed lips shifted into one of warmth as he spotted the red coffee cup in her grip. Rey shook her head, hoping the thoughts would somehow fall out and thrusted the cup into his chest, desperately praying the ordeal would be over quickly. “It uh, it sounded like you need this, Mr Solo.” She smiled softly as he took the drink, her eyes still trained on his chest. 

He coughed quietly, clearing his throat. “Thank you, Rey.” His voice was hoarse from the yelling, but it still had a honey like undertone. She nodded in response and wandered back to her desk. Everything in her was screaming to look back, but she knew she couldn’t. She didn’t think her heart (or ovaries, if she was being honest) could take it. Her heart sunk a little as she heard the familiar sound of the lock turning in place. 

A quick look at the days schedule confirmed that the majority of Ben’s meetings were telephone conferences, with the exception of his 2:30 in the board room.

Throughout the morning, her mind roamed back to his appearance. How she’d spotted the blanket on the sofa behind him and the nearly empty bottle of bourbon on his coffee table. It had been a while since he’d slept at the office, but she knew the signs. 

The rest of the morning passed without incident and soon enough it was lunch time. Rey gathered her coat and bag from behind her desk and, with one last look through her emails, was ready to take her lunchtime walk through the park. 

The October weather had warmed slightly throughout the day, turning the cold morning into a crisp but sunny afternoon. Rey didn’t know what had prompted her to change her walking route, but after 15 minutes, she found herself face to face with the familiar shop window of MiMi’s dry cleaners. Ben’s dry cleaning wasn’t due to be collected until Tuesday, but something about Ben Solo sitting in dirty clothes all day didn’t feel right. 

With a quick glance down the street, she walked inside, leaving the cool air behind. 

MiMi, of course, was sat behind the counter. At the ring of the door, she glanced up at Rey with a smile, the laugh lines obtained over the years making themselves known. “Rey, darling. What can I do you for? Mr Solo’s suit isn’t due to be picked up until next week.”  
Rey shot her an apologetic smile in response. “I know, MiMi, I’m sorry. I was just popping in to see if on the off chance it was ready early?”  
The elderly lady shook her head with another smile. “It’s your lucky day then, Pumpkin. Wanted to get everything done before the weekend, it’s hanging up out back, I’ll go and get it for you.”

The relief that spread through Rey was a surprise. Surely all assistants would do this, right? It was in her job title, she was assisting Ben. That’s all this was. 

Except, that wasn’t how it felt. 

This, just like the coffee, was another stepping stone towards the realisation she had been ignoring for the last 13 months. 

Rey had feelings for Ben Solo.

She was well and truly fucked. 

Rey was on autopilot for the most part while she collected the suit and walked back to the office building, not even bothering to stop to get food. She vaguely remembered thinking that she needed to eat if she was going to be drinking later, but the thought passed as quickly as it had come. 

A drink. Yes, that’s exactly what she needed. A drink and maybe a nice guy to go home with. Someone tall, handsome, with a pretty nose and pouty lips, someone like- STOP, she chastised herself. Thoughts like that were what had landed her in this bloody position to begin with. 

She urged herself to remember the rules. No ex’s, no friends siblings, no bosses. It wasn’t a hard rule to follow really, everyone else managed ok, but not everyone’s boss was Ben fucking Solo. 

Rey didn’t hesitate as she knocked on Ben’s door this time. Only waiting for his confused call of “come in” before opening the door. 

“Rey?” He questioned, looking up from his computer as she popped her head through the door. He glanced down at his watch before looking back to you again.”You’re back from your walk early. You don’t normally get back for another twenty five minutes.” He queried, wincing after he spoke, as if he’d said something he shouldn’t have. 

Rey shook it off, he was probably just upset she’d imposed on his own lunch, although from the looks of things, it was definitely a working lunch. “Hi. Yeah, it’s cold out today, didn’t feel like walking much,” she shrugged, playing with the sleeve of the cream laced blouse she’d thrown on this morning. She liked this one, it showed off her curves and was soft against her skin. Ben fixated on the spot she was touching, his face conflicted. 

“Is everything ok, Rey? You seem distant.” He finally settled on, bringing his hand up to his hair and running it through roughly. He was nervous, Rey mused. 

Embarrassed at her transparency, Rey corrected her posture and forced a soft smile on her face. Ben frowned at the inorganic shift. Ben opened his mouth as if to add something further but Rey scrambled to cut him off. 

“I’m fine, Mr Solo. I just have a lot on my mind. Thank you though- for asking I mean.” She clarified, once again feeling the blush of her skin as she occupied her gaze on one of the paintings behind him.

“I- I hope I’m not overstepping my boundaries here, Sir, but I noticed you’re in yesterday’s suit. Not to say you don’t look great- that the suit doesn’t look great but I uh-“  
“Rey…what is it?” He cut in curiously as he stood from behind his desk and into her line of sight. His tone was curt, but not rude, almost as if he had sensed her uneasiness and wanted to help. 

_God, he was so bloody tall. ___

__Rey opened the door all the way, revealing the garment bag she had placed on her desk. “I picked it up from the dry cleaners early. I thought you might want it for your 2:30.”  
His polite smile faltered and Rey could have sworn that she saw a glimmer of sadness in his eyes but the moment was gone before she could be sure. _ _

__He coughed quietly before rearranging his features into that of an appreciative look “Thank you Miss Johnson, that was very thoughtful of you”._ _

__Rey returned the smile halfheartedly, suddenly very self conscious of the selfless act. She shuffled back to her desk and picked up the garment bag from where she had discarded it on her way in, handing it off to Ben in the doorway._ _

__He took the bag from her, holding it only by his forefinger, as if the contents weighed nothing. Rey was once again struck in awe of the obnoxiously large man. She wouldn’t go as far as to say the bag was heavy, but it was far from weightless. On multiple occasions she’d had to switch the arm it laid over as she carried it back to the office._ _

__Ben looked as if he wanted to say something, but instead shook his head and closed the door with a soft click._ _

__Her phone buzzed quietly in her handbag, notifying her that it was 1:45 and that, on any normal day, she needed to begin her walk back from the park to get back to the office in time. She silenced the annoying vibrations quickly and slumped back in her chair, twirling the small device between her forefinger and thumb mindlessly._ _

__It had been four hours and she still couldn’t get that bloody tuft of hair out of her mind. How was it possible for such a small patch of skin to haunt her so much?_ _

__Without thinking, she text Rose._ _

___It should be illegal to feel the way I do about your boss. ____ _

____Rose responded quickly._ _ _ _

_____It probably is. ____ _ _ _

______Rey huffed in frustration. Trust Rose to pick today to be the responsible one._ _ _ _ _ _

_______It’s not illegal, Rose! Don’t make me out to be a criminal! Company policy on the other hand? Something tells me HR wouldn’t appreciate me railing the CEO. ____ _ _ _ _ _

_________He’s not even that hot, girl. You could definitely do better if you actually came out with us more. Speaking of, are you still coming tonight? I’m going to be so pissed if you bail AGAIN. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Rey groaned. On her list of priorities, getting black out drunk didn’t even make it to the top half, despite her earlier epiphany of a one night stand to clear her head. It was bumped up slightly from the bottom of the list though, due to her horrific realisation that she not only wanted to fuck her boss, but possibly date him too. She cringed internally at the raw admission._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Rey didn’t know how long she spent thinking about him, but as if she’d summoned him herself, the door to Ben’s office opened roughly, cutting through the air with a small sound._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She stumbled to drop her phone in her desk draw, as if locking it away would erase the texts it held. The idea of Ben even having the smallest inclination of how Rey felt was nauseating, not only for the sure rejection that would follow, but the HR case too. Rey may have joked about it to Rose, but she knew that HR would probably fire her if her secret ever saw the light of day. The draw was good. The draw was safe._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Taking a deep breath, Rey spun her chair away from her computer and towards Ben’s office door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Her breath hitched and her eyes blew wide the minute their eyes met. If she’d known it was the Navy Armani suit at MiMi’s, she’d have thrown it in the trash before she ever let him wear it in front of her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Her last memory of the suit had ended with an incredibly late night followed by a sore wrist and red face the next morning. She couldn’t bring herself to look Ben in the eyes for three whole weeks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________That suit was the devil incarnated, it’s sole purpose being to torture her. It was incredulous that an outfit had the power to dictate her life, but right now she wanted nothing more than to burn the sodding thing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Rey had tried her best to keep the relationship between them professional, even in her head, determined that she could think her way out of her feelings._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________That all changed after a particularly stressful day at the office three months ago._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________SOI was going through one of their biggest business deals of the decade and understandably, Ben was stressed. He wasn’t sleeping and he wasn’t eating. In all honestly, Ben was failing at being a functioning human being._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Rey wasn’t the only one to notice it of course, and it seemed that desperate times called for desperate measures. Leia had decided the best way to relax the staff was a party. Rey declined the invitation promptly. It’s not that she didn’t like Leia or enjoy spending time with her colleagues, it was just that it was August, meaning it was incredibly hot and humid. Rey wanted nothing more than a cold shower and an early night._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________That wasn’t on the cards unfortunately._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The day of the party (hence forth dubbed D-day), all hell broke loose. One of the main suppliers involved in the deal had had a sourcing issue. They couldn’t get the parts needed in time. That meant SOI either needed to compromise on the quantity or quality of product being produced._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ben had gone batshit crazy. The mark on the wall by the coffee maker was evidence of that. The decorators had been in to patch it up a few days later but a mark still remained, a silent reminder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ben was going to cancel on the party, as any self respecting CEO would, but Rey knew this party was for him. The staff were stressed of course, but it was Ben who needed a night off the most._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________So, Rey did what any decent person would. “I’ve got it, Mr Solo. I know this deal just as well as you do. Enjoy your night, I’ll call you if I need you.” She’d promised. Ben hadn’t been convinced, adamant that he needed to be with her, that it was his job to fix these things. In the end it took Leia dragging him out of the building by his ear for him to agree._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Although not before he had a chance to change into his fucking Armani suit, bought just for the occasion._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________When Rey had caught a glimpse of him as he was leaving, she thought she was going to pass out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ben looked the epitome of a rich bachelor. The suit hugged him perfectly and accentuated his long legs and broad shoulders. The Omega Speedmaster shone brightly on his wrist, one of his cheaper watches, she noticed. Probably to make those of us from ‘lesser wealth’, as he so eloquently put it, feel less intimidated. He hadn’t had time to do much to his hair, so it fell onto his shoulders, slight waves forming as it dried from his shower._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Rey had never seen a man command attention like it before. For a moment, she regretted declining the invite._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________That night, when she finally arrived home just after midnight, he wriggled his way into her mind as she was getting off. She knew her mind had just been too exhausted to fight the uphill battle that was the Ben Solo Dream God Fantasy, and while it had been the most mind blowing orgasm of her life, she had woken up the next morning absolutely bloody mortified and, as mentioned, couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eye._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Once glance at the D-day suit brought back all the memories (both real and fantasy) at once. She knew she was soaked through for him on instinct, her body responding to him in a primal fashion. She clenched her legs together, worried he’d be able to look straight through her and see the effect he had._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ben cleared his throat awkwardly. At this point, Rey realised she had been staring intently at the buttons straining across his chest. Again. “I know it’s a bit casual for a board meeting, but needs must, eh?” He chuckled, smirking._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Was he trying to make her feel at ease?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Rey rearranged her face into what she hoped was a weak smile and nodded. “You look great, Mr Solo.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________God, she felt _sick _.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She needed to leave. She needed to leave, now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Will you excuse me for a moment, Mr Solo? I’m feeling a little off. Must be my lunch.” She hurried out, picking up her cardigan and running into the hallway of the office._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Her sights were set on the 14th story women’s bathroom but she changed her mind at the last minute, she didn’t need an audience to her panic attack. Instead, she ducked into a nearby broom closet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Once the door was shut, she slid down the wall to the floor and placed her head between her knees, just like her therapist had instructed her to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________In the small confines of the room, minutes passed like hours and each breath pulled from her lungs felt as though she was heaving up sandpaper._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Rey didn’t understand how small things, such mundane things to anyone else could cause her so much stress and anxiety. She’d had a hard time explaining the situation to Rose. As someone who had never experienced mental illness, she couldn’t comprehend Rey’s problem with catastrophising. How every little thing felt like the end of the earth. How she felt as though the world might end if she didn’t pack an umbrella even on the hottest of days. How the idea of being fired because of your heart betraying you, felt like the world closing in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It took Rey herself years of therapy to understand and it took hours of explaining for Rose to even slightly comprehend. How was she now meant to explain to her boss that she had been sat in a janitor closet crying for the past hour over a suit?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Once she began to calm down and think logically, Rey immediately felt better. As far as Ben was concerned, Rey was sick. He couldn’t probe further than that without breaching boundaries, so Rey would be just fine. She would walk back to her desk and by now, Ben would be in his meeting. The likelihood of him coming back to the office before 5pm was slim and then Rey would have the entire weekend to herself to relax and recoup ready for Monday._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Except that wasn’t what happened._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Instead, as she backed out of the closet as discreetly as possible, her back came into contact with marble. A warm hand placed itself on her shoulder. She shuddered at the intimacy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Based on the way the paw dwarfed her shoulder, the owner could only be one person. As if to prove her theory, the marble spoke. His voice rumble through his chest, vibrating against her back. “Rey? Are you okay?” His voice was tentative. He sounded flustered or stressed or maybe worried? She was his employee after all. The thought made her shudder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Rey didn’t move, whether it was out of fear or because on some subconscious level, she knew she hadn’t felt such warmth in years. A fact which made her unwilling to give up the feeling of security the man brought her. “I’m sorry. That was a stupid question, of course you aren’t.” Rey felt her body heave again as the weight of the situation gathered in her throat, restricting her speech._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The hand dropped to her waist and she felt herself being led back in the direction of his office. He didn’t say anything else as they passed through the doorways of other departments, and based on the lack of comments directed their way, Rey could only assume that Ben’s face wasn’t very inviting. She caught the whimper with her lips in the nick of time before it escaped._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________As the office came into view, panic bubbled up in Rey’s chest once again. Was he mad at her? It that why he looked so angry? Was he going to send her home for being sick? Oh fuck, was he going to fire her for abandoning her post for an hour? And why the fuck wasn’t he three floors down in his meeting?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It took a few minutes for Rey to process that they were sat on Ben’s office sofa, his hand still on the small of her back, although now rubbing soft, reassuring circles with his thumb. Rey closed her eyes softly and relaxed slightly. She’d only enjoy this for a minute. That’s all she’d allow herself, she promised._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Ben halted the movement of his hand. “You can talk to me about anything, Rey. I hope you know that.” He whispered softly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Rey opened her eyes, focusing on the glass coffee table in front of them, not ready to face Ben just yet. The table still held last nights empty bottle. In the reflection of the glass, she could see that Ben was still staring intently at her. “I care about you.” He added breathily, as if he was afraid for her to actually hear him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________As a friend _. She corrected in her head.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Rey nodded softly. “I know. And honestly, Ben, I’m fine. I think it was just food poisoning from lunch.” She lied, the words flowing off her tongue effortlessly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Physical illness was so much easier to explain than mental illness, so the lies were routine now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Ben’s voice was concerned, “Rey, you didn’t eat lunch today.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Her eyes snapped to his in panic. Ben clearly sensed her fear as the thumb circles once again started up. Rey’s body instinctually relaxed, but the panicked look in her eyes remained. This time, Ben broke the eye contact._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Did you know I have anxiety?” He mused, as if the idea was comical. Rey gulped and shook her head, slowly. “Neither could my family, when I first told them. Big, bad, Benjamin Organa Solo being anxious? It didn’t make sense. But, do you know what I’ve learnt over the past thirty years? Anxiety, depression, OCD, all of it. None of it makes sense, Rey. It just is.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Rey’s eyes welled up as she allowed herself to take her first real look at Ben Solo, the prodigy boy. His eyes were glassed over, not crying or soft, but clearly occupied in a different time. The moles that dotted his face were even more beautiful than she had allowed herself to imagine. The combination of features that just yelled ‘Ben Solo’ blinded her, overpowering her fear and anxiety for once. She allowed herself just one more moment of blissful peace._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I want you to know that you’re ok. Or at least, that you will be.” He sighed, running his free hand through his now fully dried hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I don’t know if I will,” Rey whispered, more to herself than to him, tracing patterns into her tights with her index finger._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Ben’s eyes locked back with hers, an emotion she didn’t recognise flooding his irises. He gulped softly. “I- I think you could be.” He whispered back. “I think you could be, Rey. With me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Rey froze, her fingers stilling against her thigh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Was he mocking her?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“You can’t do that to me.” She croaked. “You can’t just pretend to like me in that way. You can’t pretend to feel things you don’t just to fix your sad little assistant. I’m not a project. You can’t do that to me, Ben. That’s not fair.” She rambled, adrenaline lacing her blood as her fight or flight instinct kicked in. Her breathing became laboured as she scrambled to get away from him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Rey. Rey, I need you to calm down. You’re ok. We’re ok. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I know how you feel about me and I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” He pleaded, his eyebrows creased and eyes sincere._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It took some time for Rey to register his words. “ _What do you mean you know how I feel? _” She gasped, mortification painting itself on her face.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Ben hesitated for a moment before producing her phone from his trouser pocket. Silently, Rey began to put the pieces together. It must have been clear when it clicked as Ben suddenly began speaking._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“It’s not what it looks like, I promise!” He rushed out, hands held to his chest in defence as he processed the look of pure anger on Rey’s usually soft face. “You said you were sick and I thought you may want to text your roommate to come and pick you up, I know you mentioned she had a car.” He rushed out, chancing a glance at Rey. “I had no intention of violating your privacy, Rey. You need to believe that. If you don’t believe anything else I’ve said today, please believe that. The texts were open and I saw what you said to her about me.” He added, wincing towards the end._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Rey didn’t know how to respond, a mixture of embarrassment and anger filled her, followed by a little bit of…hope? “I can’t believe you saw those.” Rey sighed, placing her face in her hands. “I’m sorry, Ben. I completely get it if you want to report me for indecency.” She groaned, cursing her therapist for dismissing her catastrophic fears._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’m not.” Ben offered, reaching for her to pull her back to his side. “I’m not.” He repeated, placing his hand in hers. “You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve wished you’d think of me that way.” He admitted, the tips of his ears turning red in embarrassment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She looked up from the floor, uncertainty lacing her features. “You- you don’t mind that I said…” she trailed off, wincing, unable to bring herself to repeat what she’d written._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“That you wanted to rail me?” He supplied with a laugh. “No, Rey.” He added seriously. “I’d be honoured to be railed by you.” He smirked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Rey let a small smile dance on her lips as she swatted him gently, her previous panic slowly fading. “Hopefully, you’d be doing the railing, Mr Solo, and I’d be getting railed.” She joked back, taking a small amount of pleasure in the deepening of his blush._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Her laughter trailed off into a comfortable silence. “I want to be honest though, Ben. I want more than just…sex. I want you, all of you.” She admitted, chancing a look at him. His answering smile was dazzling._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You want me?” He asked, suddenly unsure of himself. Rey nodded, her own blush spreading across her chest. “You want…me? Not just my body, but me?” He repeated incredulously._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It was Rey’s turn to frown._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Well, because you’re you and I’m-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You’re you, Ben. And that’s all I want.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Ben looked up sheepishly, all cocky façade wiped from his face. He placed his hand against Rey’s cheek, revelling in the warmth and softness. “I’m yours, in every way you’ll have me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Rey smiled warmly. “Let’s just start with today.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
